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Forget Guns, It’s Time to Ban Gravity

Written on Monday, January 21, 2013 by

gun

There’s a big push to ban guns, particularly the dreaded “assault rifles,” because of the unrelenting slaughter of innocents at gunpoint across the country.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, there were 11,078 homicides by firearm in 2010. So naturally anybody sane, which means only people on the Left (just ask them), wants to ban guns.

But as long as we’re banning involuntary ways to die, I think we need to take a look at some of the things that kill even more people than firearm homicides every year.

Unintentional falls, for instance, took more than 26,000 people’s lives in 2010. While the proximal causes are varied and may include a crack in the sidewalk, slippery tub, ill-fitting bowling shoes, a chair that can’t support your fat butt, etc., there is one common element to all fatal falls, and we need to do something about it.

We need to ban gravity, pronto.

It’s the only way to stop the slaughter which has become a nationwide epidemic.

Sure, movies may make falling seem cool. It’s “funny” somehow when an innocent old man slips off a toilet seat while hanging a clock, bangs his head and creates the flux capacitor. But in reality, slippery toilets and other bathroom appliances kill.

It should be clear that the right to adhere to the planet’s surface is not absolute. At the time the Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution, people were much shorter and had less distance to fall. Judging by several well known portraits of the Founding Fathers, people were also built differently then and probably had a tendency to roll. (John Adams and Benjamin Franklin, for example, were quite round and bounced like beach balls, particularly whenever they had quaffed a few beers with John Adams’ cousin Samuel.)

Today’s modern “assault bodies,” such as those used in professional basketball, simply are not necessary for everyday activity.

At the very least, there need to be some common sense restrictions placed on gravity. After all, nobody would argue that you have a right to keep a tractor beam or black hole in your house, right?

Modern gravity is simply too powerful to entrust to the average, untrained person. To paraphrase New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, “You do not need 10 meters per second squared to down a beer.”

We should move immediately to make sure that gravitational capacity is limited to 7 meters per second squared, and we must mandate simple safety measures like adhesive ducks on all tubs, toilet seats, grandparents and Wal-Mart aisles.

Further, all heavy objects that may fall on people — boulders, Acme anvils, pianos, pieces of the sky and so forth — should be subject to a thorough background check before someone can buy them.

As President Obama said regarding guns, search your conscience and think of the children.

If we can save even one life, isn’t it worth it?

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