Written on Tuesday, December 6, 2011 by Chris Gadsden
At a recent lunch with friends, the inevitable political discussion cropped up. We all know that, with the U.S. in such dire straits and a hapless socialist at the wheel, the import of the coming election season cannot be underestimated. All with a brain agree that the current course is suicide, so the most important question is “who ya gonna vote for?” I have been as susceptible to the ABR (Anybody But Romney) bounce as the next guy so, the lack of an answer frustrates and frankly scares me. I often joke that “We had to make it through Carter to get to Reagan so our next President will be equal to George Washington.” *
Funny line but Washington, Reagan or even an honest and anti-government growth Democrat like Grover Cleveland is not waiting in the wings. It is going to be another season in which holding your nose and voting for ABo (Anybody But obama) is more important than anything else. Anyway, I digress. I was asked which GOP candidate I back and, after thinking for half a second (way longer than I normally wait to voice an opinion), I said “I wish we could ‘Frankenstein’ them as none of them are near good enough.” The comment was greeted by laughter and then a suggestion that I should write about it. We all know the original tale but here is the brief story of GOP Frankenstein: Modern Conservative Prometheus:
It was on a dreary night of November that I beheld my man completed, his origin stemming from desperation. I descended the stone steps to my gloomy and cobwebbed GOP laboratory. Before me lay my hapless candidates; perfect in some fashions, deficient in so many others.
“For whom shall you vote, Master?” It was my misshapen servant Igor. I simply sighed, knowing none of the individuals to be a precise fit for the turbulent times ahead. (I also cringed knowing that, were evil liberal villagers about, they would attack with torches and pitchforks once hearing an employee call his Conservative employer “Master.”)
My grim countenance this night, just under a year away from our next election, was suddenly broken by an epiphany; a mad, simply inconceivable idea. A thusly timed lightening flash would surely have illuminated a maniacal grin spreading across my face. “Igor, to my side! We have much work to do this night. We shall build the perfect President. Quickly now, to the first slab!”
EXCERPTED FROM THE POLITICAL JOURNALS OF DR. CHRIS GADSDEN:
Herman Cain: Hmmmm…this was difficult. I liked many things about this man but, ultimately, if one cannot run a campaign competently, one is not equipped to run America, even during calm moments of history. The campaign missteps and muddled foreign policy stances are not what we need but there is much good in the man. From Cain, I took his spirit. He overcame family hardship, Stage-4 cancer, racism (sadly, more from the Left now than in his childhood) and carried on. His frank speech and almost bullheaded ability to plow ahead will serve my President well.
Newt Gingrich: This was a hard one. Once I dug beneath the surface, much of his core was a confused tangle of contradictions. Truly a mess but I dearly wanted to like him. In the end, I took his reason and voice. In debate and command, Newt’s strongest points will serve the President well.
Jon Huntsman: From this man, I took his economic/job creation plans and his love of the free market. His understanding of foreign policy was also thrown in as this is especially needed in the current day. Sadly, the man had a Conservative record better than most running but, instead of embracing the fact, he ran to the center and became nearly invisible.
Mitt Romney: Shocking, this one. While removing the candidate’s suit, Igor and I found it to be almost empty, save for socialized medicine blueprints and an exquisite pair of flip-flops adorning his feet. Ultimately, this one was easy as there was little from which to choose. I took his business experience and ability to appeal to liberals with a brain, few though they may be.
Rick Perry: We immediately found great hair and a good smile, useful in these modern times. Irregularities were also exhibited. While we found a very substantial brain, we found his tongue was actually tied. Very strange combination and surely cause for his lacking national popularity. Clearing away the chaff, we also managed to salvage useful Conservative beliefs to instill in the President. He shall go forward to implement a flat tax and make Congress get a real job by becoming part-time only.
Ron Paul: Truly a mess, this one. He was wonderful in some ways and truly terrifying in too many others. I eventually took his hands. Deftly working a calculator, his understanding of intricate finance issues will suit this amalgam President well. It shall be entertaining to watch as he dismantles the Fed. [IMPORTANT: These hands will NOT, however, be allowed to come near foreign policy.]
Rick Santorum: A true Conservative with good ideas and yet so little charisma that he has remained under the radar. Sad really but there was still so much to take from this one that will be useful, all in ideas and beliefs. I took his brain; lock stock and barrel. Reagan he is not but he is truly right (and Right) minded.
Michele Bachman: So many things to like with her as well. She too is a Reagan Conservative. She gained traction early but is sadly an afterthought of late. I remembered her however and, to make my creation true, she contributed a most important aspect; I took her heart. Our President will prosper with this guiding light.
I now sit, awaiting a bolt of lightning, praying our Creator will anoint this candidate with life, vitality and the wisdom of our Founders. With such a basis, the President will surely repeal socialized medicine, increase the military while reducing bloated government, protect our boarders, defend the family and restore pride in American exceptionalism. Ye gods, so much to ask!
Hold! Mere moments ago a fiery bolt crashed. Was that an ever so slight movement of my creation’s finger?
My victory as Dr. Frankenstein would have been muted had I known of a most sinister plot, darkly evil yet similar in circumstance, on a night many years prior. Were I to have been a speck of flotsam, floating unnoticed in a stinking dungeon in the sewers of a village named Chicago one particular night, I would have witnessed a powerful man, aged hands deftly crafting a creature personifying his own putrid beliefs. Melding the thuggery of Chicago politics, the world view of one raised on the Western hatred taught in Indonesia, the petty jealousy and laziness inherent in Marxist that simply long to steal the fruits of those that work, the pompousness of those indoctrinated into Progressive thought in liberal universities, all added to a decades-held belief in the evils of “social justice” and black liberation theology. Such sacrilege in a country so great!
“Doctor Soros, what shall you name him?”
P.S. Want to sound smart? Don’t call the Monster “Frankenstein” as most do. Frankenstein was the doctor who created the creature. FYI.
* Check out Glenn Beck’s new book “Being George Washington” if you want a tale of a real hero. Read it to your kids before they are taught progressive crap by their liberal teachers in school.