Written on Thursday, August 2, 2012 by Tad Cronn
This is a public service announcement about celebrity parasites.
Anybody can get them. It doesn’t depend on your race, your income level, personal hygiene or anything like that.
In fact, being attacked by celebrity parasites usually has nothing whatsoever to do with the person afflicted.
What do seem to be contributing factors are blood type and the amount of time you spend in the public spotlight, which is where these parasites prefer to be.
They’re attracted mostly to conservatives because of the iron-rich, wholesome red blood that runs through our veins and that is capable of nourishing entire communities of thinking individuals. Parasites shy away from liberals, whose blood varies between an anemic blue and recycled green, and is incapable of supporting any sort of normal, non-mutated life for long.
Celebrity parasites are small, tick-like creatures that are just normal insects until a spotlight is turned on them. If the timing is right, they will metamorphose momentarily into a seemingly ordinary celebrity, but their lack of talent will soon cause them to turn back to their normal buglike form.
From that point on, the celebrity parasite craves what it once had, so it attacks people in public life in hopes that the unwitting host will drag it back into the spotlight and rejuvenate its wrinkly, dying career.
In the current election cycle, Mitt Romney has naturally picked up more than a few of these parasites, probably from the media hounds that are always chasing him.
Sarah Palin, who isn’t even a politician any more, and her family have drawn more than their fair share of these pests of late.
There are countless species of these irritating bugs, though the ones that have been striking lately include Russell Brand, Ellen Barkin, Cher and Kathy Griffin.
* Russell Brand — This one thinks he’s funny and wise. You’ll never see him attacking or, likely, any of his movies, like “Rock of Ages” and “Arthur.” Brand recently attacked Palin, saying, “People want to f*** her. That’s why they tolerate the other stuff.” But we certainly don’t need to tolerate him.
* Kathy Griffin — Another washed-up “comedian,” this subspecies is particularly ugly and likes to attack by going after its target’s children. Griffin recently jumped the Palin clan by calling 17-year-old Willow Palin a “dirty whore” and future porn star. This is what’s called “projection.”
* Ellen Barkin — This one made light of Andrew Breitbart’s death, then Tweeted that conservatives are “evil ***holes” and “pro murder.” Later denied doing any of it. This species is not only washed-up, talentless and loudmouthed, but delusional as well.
* Cher — This is an elderly bug that likes to put on an artificial shell to make itself look younger. One of the more prolific parasites, this one recently attacked Mitt Romney, Michelle Bachmann and the ever-popular Sarah Palin, along with “T-Baggies” in general. Has an unusually shrill set of vocal chords.
There are many other types as well, but they all share a form of mental instability that tends to make them paranoid and pompous, and that causes delusions of relevancy.
Should you or anyone you know ever contract one of these fame-sucking parasites, the best technique for eliminating them is using a simple flick of the finger and then ignoring them. Without attention, they will eventually shrivel and die.
Another technique, should one of them dig its head particularly deep into your flesh, is to use a lighter or burning match to singe the creature’s butt, which is where most such parasites keep their brains. Effective use of this technique will cause the pest to withdraw its head and run away, at which point you should step on it. Be aware they tend to spew green goo when squashed.