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The Real Reason They Want Your Guns

Written on Tuesday, July 31, 2012 by

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glass

 

I think I figured out why the federal government is so keen on getting private citizens’ guns.

We all know the usual reasons: power, plans for martial law, selling out to the U.N., etc.

But it turns out there may be a very specific reason why they want them now, right this minute.

It came out in a hearing investigating the burdens on business of excessive government regulation, chaired by Rep. Darrell Issa, who along with Michele Bachmann seems to be one of the few people in Congress who is actually working.

As it turns out, the government is considering new regulations suggested by something called the U.S. Green Business Council. Among the recommendations is the removal or changing of bulletproof glass in office buildings. The shatterproof glass apparently isn’t environmentally friendly.

So here’s the real deal. The pinheads in Washington have regulated things to the point where it’s actually come to a choice between protecting federal employees or protecting Mother Earth — which we all know is a fragile little wisp of a thing barely able to get out of her rocker.

(There were other interesting tidbits to come out of the hearing, such as a study that found that the new regulations would make buildings 25 percent LESS energy efficient, or that the Department of Energy would have to rip out most of its recent green improvements. But it’s the bulletproof glass thing that really tickled my gizzard.)

So before they go replacing all the windows in D.C. with spun sugar, the feds probably want to make sure you fine, upstanding and somewhat scary citizens are armed with nothing deadlier than a water pistol.

I’d love to be a fly on the wall at one of the meetings where these types of green schemes are concocted. I imagine it would go something like this:

Chairman: OK, let’s begin. Let the record show that Green Energy Czar Vertigenous Sunshine, Mother Gaia Czar Cinnamon Moonbeam, Photosynthesis Czar Plantagenet Fernwhistle, Exotic Gas Czar Methanus Vapor and SEIU representative Marky Marx are in attendance. We’re talking about office windows today. Let’s start with Czar Moonbeam. Cinnamon?

Moonbeam: OK, like thank you, you’re so sweet. OK, I like just wanna say that shatterproof glass is, like, so bogus. … Thank you.

Vapor: Yes, I’d like to add that those windows not only impede the free flow of the wind, but they also trap … er, ill winds … inside.

Chairman: How so?

Vapor: Well, the typical federal employee spends his day sitting on his back side consuming numerous sugary snacks and drinking beverages of dubious merit, resulting in a highly combustible mixture of … um, biological emissions. By the end of the day, a federal office building is a virtual time bomb waiting for a spark. …

Chairman: Ah. Mr. Marx?

Marx: Yeah, uh, youse gots to consider too, the impact on our dear Mudder Gaia … hey, Cinnamon … of havin’ too many of youse fed’ral types. It’s a whaddaya call it, a populatin’ problem. All’s I’m sayin’ is, ya know, bullets fly, sometimes tings happen and ya know, bada bing, bada boom, you’re doing Mudder Gaia a favor. Now you get dis shatterproof glass in da way and, ya know, Mudder don’t owe ya nothin’ no more and ya can’t collect. That’s alls I’m sayin’.

Chairman: Interesting point. … Plantagenet?

Fernwhistle: Oh, oh my, bullets flying? I hope you’re using biodegradable bullets and shell casings, Mr. Marx.

Marx: Oh, yeah, of course. My boys, dey allus use green products where possible … except for cement. Trust me, youse don’t want youse cement biodegratin’ on youse.

Sunshine: Hey, is it hot in here?

Fernwhistle: Yes, I see where that could be a problem with cement. Oh dear, yes. …

Chairman: Did you say something, Czar Sunshine?

Sunshine (checking thermometer): The temperature’s risen 3 degrees Fahrenheit since the start of the meeting.

Moonbeam: Oh, like, no! Bogus!

Fernwhistle: Room-al warming!

Vapor: Clearly, our greenhouse gas emissions are creating an extreme local heating phenomenon. … Including, <sniff> an unexpected burst of methane.

Marx: Hey, who smelt it dealt it, doc.

Sunshine: There’s only one solution. We must cease all greenhouse gas emissions at once.

Chairman: You mean?

Sunshine: We must all stop breathing.

Moonbeam: For, like, the planet.

Fernwhistle: For Gaia!

Marx: Hey I’ll give it a shot, but youse know sometimes dese tings, dey fall off da truck. …

Sunshine: Go!

(Czars hold their breath, turn blue then pass out one by one.)

Chairman: Huh.

Marx: I tink dat’s ‘meeting adjoined.’ …

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