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Why Obamacare Should Pay for My Gun

Written on Sunday, February 3, 2013 by

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Well now that we’re into President Obama’s second term of office, the Administration is finally letting us in on what’s actually contained in the Obamacare power grab, er, health law: what’s covered, what’s not, who’s taxed, which Friends of Barry are exempt, and so on.

I gotta tell ya, I’m excited.

Based on the logic of the law and the way it’s being enacted, I should be getting my Uncle Barry-provided handgun in the mail at any moment.

I realized that I was entitled to one (as opposed to this just being a crazy thought on my part) when I was hearing about the Health and Human Services contraception mandate.

You’ve heard about this, I’m sure. HHS expects religious groups to drop their beliefs like a pair of pants at Rev. Wright’s Down Low Club and buy insurance plans for their employees that include coverage for contraception and abortions (or as liberals call them, Plan B).

The theory is that everyone is entitled (there’s the magic word again) to whatever free condoms, diaphragms, gew gaws, hoo haws and whatchamacallits that will keep them from having to take responsibility for getting “nekkid” (I think that word’s actually in the Obamacare bill — who knows?) and making “bebbies,” as the president calls them.

And just in case that doesn’t work (which, statistically will probably happen within a year if you’re doing the hunka chunka regularly), then there’s always Plan B, early term abortion in a smug, self-satisfied feminist bottle.

Because Obama and Kathleen Sebelius are having the pants sued off them (and not in a way they like), HHS has modified its rules to try and get churches (many of which are big Obama supporters for some reason) off the hook while still screwing over businesses whose owners have religious objections to the mandate.

Under the rules change, the Catholic Church should be exempt, but Hobby Lobby isn’t. So an organization run by religious people with collars is exempt, but an organization run by religious people with glue guns faces a $1.3 million-per-day fine. Clearly, plastic model airplanes make all the difference.

The mandate is supposedly based on the notion of saving the taxpayers money by stopping a baby’s nefarious schemes before it can be born and push the Earth over the edge to extinction.

By that same logic, therefore, the taxpayer also has a financial interest in giving me a gun to prevent myself from being a victim of crime and winding up in a hospital where I will monopolize the pretty nurses’ time and eat all the Jell-O.

Call it a violent crime prophylactic.

Violence isn’t exactly like sex, which makes it all the more important that Obama should give us all a gun. With sex, you can just go “de-conceive” your baby with a pill the next day should you wake up feeling guilty, hung over or repulsed by what’s in the bed next to you.

It’s a little harder to make a bullet hole go away, so the emphasis should be on prevention, preferably 9mm of it or larger, with a high-capacity magazine. I’ve always liked blue steel, although chrome with walnut handles is nice.

Call it Plan A.

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