On November 5th President Obama said, ““To everyone that voted, I want you to know that I heard you, to two-thirds of voters that chose not to participate in the process yesterday, I hear you, too.”

It’s that last part that scares me. If a tree falls in the forest does only Barack Obama hear it? Normally I would blow it off as just another really stupid thing this guy has said. At least it wasn’t an outright lie, so let’s call it a category 3 Obamaism as opposed to a category 5 such as “If you like your Doctor you can keep him.” Yet it chilled me because you never know what voices this rather grim man is listening to.

Did those silent voters tell him to bomb Israel and just get it over with?

Did they tell him to try Gorilla Glue on his next turkey sandwich? One can only hope.

Maybe they urged him to visit those 7 extra states he imagines voted solidly for him in 2008.

I think in any other age a President claiming to hear silent voices would be placed in a net while a mental mechanic checked under the hood. The Press just nodded, no one asked a follow-up, suggesting they too, suffer derangement. Really, one of them should have said, “Mr. President, are you saying you heard voters who didn’t vote? Can you tell us what they said when they didn’t say something?” So this is not a normal age, the inmates own the asylum lock, stock, and barrel, Ebola poses no risk, everybody talks and no one listens; except one man and he is hearing silent voices.

Everybody wants to know why those two-thirds didn’t vote. I don’t know, maybe they had a chicken bone stuck in their throat. Once my Aunt Crevicean got on a roll at Sunday dinner and stopped talking. We all thought this unusual until someone noticed she was choking. Uncle Vapor grabbed her from behind and sort of punched her in the chest.   Out popped this little bone and she said “Whew! That was a close one! My boss once swallowed a whole pencil; of course he was only 7 years old at the time…” I found myself looking at the bone ruefully, thinking it had not fulfilled its mission. As to what Crevicean might have said during the blissful moments that bone was stuck in her gullet only she and apparently Obama would know.

Maybe they were all stuck in the unemployment line. Maybe their free phone needed charging. Maybe they were delivering twins; a marvelous statement because it works no matter which gender your imagination applies to any aspect of it. It’s not possible to be offended by that statement at all. I think we should put it on the mandatory reading list at UC Berkley, no trigger warnings necessary. It’s perfect for them, oops, I forgot the zero-population growth crowd. I think I see them storming down the street now, tar and feathers from Crevicean’s chicken.

Is it possible that two-thirds were just too stunned to vote? I mean you got this supposed constitutional scholar who doesn’t like or follow the constitution running around in a schemillion directions inviting disease and infection in the front door, hating on people who work and succeed, using the IRS and NSA as political tools, purchasing a constituency with borrowed dollars, alienating our allies and whispering sweet nothings to our enemies. Too stunned might work.

I’ve got an in-law who claims to have a fear of test taking. This fear has kept him out of work and in my pockets for 8 years. I think he is just an ass. It is possible that two-thirds are afraid of scantrons. It is equally possible that two-thirds are an ass, in which case, believe me; no one should listen to them. Not even a fellow traveler standing behind a government seal.

But this is serious, what if I think two-thirds were saying “potato” but Obama thinks they were saying “potahto”? Communication is a serious matter. Dinner could be ruined.

Reagan was called “The Great Communicator”, he managed to convey his thoughts in a manner charming and understandable to millions. What is Obama claiming? Is he now “The Great Medium”, holding séances in an effort to clearly hear what is clearly not being said?

Because no one else seems to care, I will take charge of this issue. I will truly listen to the silent two-thirds and convey their message to Obama and the world.

So I listen. I listen hard, because this is important. I listen because we need an impartial listener to decode the message that two-thirds of the eligible voters did not send to any listeners.

Ssshhh, I’m listening.

Wait, I hear something, yes, yes, it’s coming in clearer now, any minute… any minute… dialing it up, fine tuning it, applying some compression, a little noise gate… WAIT! WAIT!

They said that Harry Reid is ugly and the chicken should be served boneless.

I don’t think they are taking this seriously; only a fool would listen to ‘em.