Someone should tell Kim Jong Un, leader of the evil North Korea, that threatening to nuke the back-to-back World War Champs isn’t such a hot idea.

The official words out of Pyongyang in the last week have been an escalation, even by their standards. Declared a state of war with South Korea, promised to restart nuclear facilities and pledged to settle accounts with imperialist America. Diplomacy 101.

Through what can only be characterized as belligerent outbursts and bombastic rhetoric, twenty-eight year old Kim Jong Un, has the world on alert, and the Americans ready.

He outlined a number of specific mainland America targets. Said he was going to hit Austin. Austin? Really? Bless that poor boy, he ain’t right. Clearly, he has never heard “Don’t Mess With Texas”. It just so happens that one of America’s B2 Bombers is called “Spirit of Texas”. Wouldn’t it be interesting if….

And he must have missed the history lesson at that Swiss boarding school he attended. So let me give it to you, Kimmy, before you learn it through correspondence: America’s been bringing guns to the knife fight since 1776.

Someone tell this imbecile who has it coming to him that camo is America’s away colors. And yes, sweet tea is America’s tap water. And yes, America will protect South Korea, as it should.

For all North Korea’s saber-rattling over the decades concerning Seoul and a “sea of fire”, Seoul remains standing, a thriving metropolis and a daily rebuke to the poverty of Pyongyang’s closed socialist system.

Video after video with Windows 3.1 Graphics have been released since the start of this year by these turnips variously showing New York or Washington and military destruction. You don’t just threaten to nuke a country, brother Kim. You just can’t do that kind of stuff. And yes, President Obama may have let the Russians fly bombers over American airspace and is allowing your buddies, the Chinese, to wage all-out cyber warfare with impunity but that don’t mean America’s not gonna lay a hurtin’ on ya.

Oh, they’ll speak softly, Kimbo, but boy, they’re going to carry a big stick (exactly as they should). And they’ll whup you worse than a rented mule, if you keep carrying on like the muppet you are. And that’s if you’re lucky: they might strike first and ask questions later.

And that’s the problem, isn’t it? Where to now? You’ve made all your noise; you’ve said you’ll hit American military bases and mainland America. Big mistake, buddy. Let me tell you something my daddy taught me that yours obviously never taught you: Don’t make a threat, unless you’re willing to follow through. Anyway, painted in a corner is better than splattered in a corner. End the nonsense.

You are a joke but that is what makes you so dangerous.

Nut up, or shut up. You don’t have the stones, Kimmy. Just admit you screwed up before lots of good people die. Believe me, where you’re going after this life, pal, you don’t want to be in a hurry. Oh, and China, don’t even think about growing a set overnight because you might have the numbers but you ain’t got the heart or God.

Football, freedom and fried chicken. Turkey, trucks and touchdowns. Coming soon to a city near Pyongyang.

Go home, North Korea, while you still have one. You’re drunk.