Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina was chosen in somewhat of a surprise pick to be the new Pope on Wednesday, choosing the name Francis and becoming the first non-European pontiff in over a thousand years. 115 cardinal electors assembled at the Vatican took only a couple tries before voting the South American holy man in. The voting rules are fairly straight-forward: They vote every day and after so many days without a decision, it goes to sudden death Papel overtime, then a shoot-out. A lot of VIP’s and news people showed up at the Vatican for the rare event. Even newly anointed world ambassador Dennis Rodman showed up in Rome, hoping to get in on some of the Pope-mania. You could tell when Dennis arrived – thick smoke billowed out of his limo.

The head of Macintosh marketing, Phil Schiller is attacking what he called Google’s “fragmented” Android software and its largest user, Samsung. Schiller says the lion’s share of Android users would receive older versions of the software, even if they bought the latest Samsung smart phone. I don’t know, sounds like sour apples to me. It was also revealed this week that the late Steve Jobs was buried in an iCoffin 5 and could still be alive, but the cure for his type of cancer was only available for PC…
… So, enough time has passed, right? C’mon, what’s it been – a year since Jobs died? You were telling shuttle jokes the day after Challenger exploded, don’t lie to me.

UPDATE: Willie Nelson’s tour bus was pulled over again today by police. This time Willie and members of the band got off scot-free when they convinced the officer’s they were merely voting on a new Pope…

Saudi Arabia may discontinue its practice of public beheadings because of a lack of government swordsmen who would normally do the actual cutting. And I’ll admit, I don’t want my head cut off by someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing because it would be so brutal. You don’t want the rest of the world seeing a botched beheading, or somebody having to take more than one whack to get the job done because before you know it, they’ll be saying it’s downright barbaric. Then sure enough, people in the Middle East will start making; “He should have quit while he was ahead” jokes and giggling during the proceedings whenever the amateur beheader with the curvy sword starts taking his warm-up swings. It would become a real disgrace for what once was a beautiful and time-tested tradition.

According to a new biography about the Fox News chief, Roger Ailes described Barack Obama as “lazy.” This got former whatever Van Jones all in a fluster, calling Ailes a racist for using coded words. Imagine how surprised Mr. Jones was when he was told that, in fact, Barack Obama also described himself as “lazy” in a Barbara Walters interview earlier. When brought to his attention, Van Jones said the only reason he didn’t do the proper amount research was because he’s lazy. What most folks can’t believe is that Barack Obama would criticize our president like that. What is he, half-black, half-racist?

The nation of Iran is threatening legal action against Ben Affleck and the producers of the film; “Argo,” which recounts a phony Hollywood movie created to rescue American hostages in Iran during the crisis in the late 70’s. Leaders in Iran claim the movie showed an unrealistic representation of their country, and they do have a point. I saw that movie – where were the stonings, forced female circumcision and beheading of people without trial, Mr. Affleck? Hardly an accurate portrayal of Iran under the Ayatolla Khomeini. Next thing you know, you’re gonna tell me that “Daredevil” wasn’t actually blind in real life? What a scam these “movies” are. Argo only got the Oscar because the Bin Laden movie portrayed the American intelligence which led directly to the whereabouts of Bin Laden accurately. Those Hollywood folks are real sticklers for the facts, aren’t they?

And finally – Sister Marguerite Kloos, an Ohio nun was charged with voter fraud for casting an illegal absentee ballot in the 2012 presidential election that belonged to a deceased nun. The Sister allegedly voted under her own name and under the name of Sister Rose Marie Hewitt, who died a month before the election. It sounds like she may have done it… (raises pinky to side of mouth)… out of ..habit? Muah ha ha ha…

… Thanks – drive safely and send hate mail to: [email protected] Subject line: “BLUE SMOKE”