On Tuesday the White House honored the 1972 Dolphins, the NFL’s last undefeated team, but three members of the ’72 squad didn’t attend because they oppose the views of Barack Obama. Enjoy your audits, men.

A team of German doctors removed two tumors from a patient’s liver using an iPad in one of the first surgeries of its kind. Professor Karl Oldhafer and his colleagues did the three-hour-long surgery last week using the unique methodology, and were successful in locating the tumors, removing them and updating the patient’s Facebook status to “it’s complicated.” The treatments will be available for PC soon.

Three teens, two black and one white have been accused as the killers of Australian baseball player Chris Lane, who was living in Duncan, Oklahoma, on a baseball scholarship. Lane was gunned down in a drive-by shooting and one of the three teens has reportedly confessed that they killed Lane at random because they were “bored.” If this is what they do when they’re bored, I really don’t want to be around when these kids actually get interested in something.

Police Chief Danny Ford said he had secured the confession of the 17-year-old who summoned investigators to his jail cell and claimed he and the younger boys were bored “so they decided to kill somebody”. The boys, who face first-degree murder charges, have been named as Chancey Luna, James Edwards and Michael Jones. Since the killers are part black and part white, I guess it means they could have been Barack Obama when he was young.

Actress Susan Sarandon has endorsed Bill de Blasio in the New York City Mayor’s race, and not City Council Speaker Christine Quinn, who would be the first female mayor of New York. She explained; “As a woman, initially I was interested in Quinn. It became clear to me that, you know as a woman, you can’t just vote with your vagina.” Especially now with the electronic machines, they no longer have those pull handles.

Syria’s opposition is accusing President Assad’s forces of gassing as many as  many as 1,300 people on Wednesday in what would, if confirmed, be the world’s worst chemical weapons attack in decades. President Obama has now drawn a new red line that they better not cross or else. It’s just on the other side of Tampa, Florida. So better watch it Assad. This guy doesn’t mess around. He’s on the golf course is you have questions about just where that red line is. It’s a dark red line too. Just outside Tampa. Watch it. Bud.

John (Cougar) Mellencamp’s second son has been arrested and taken into custody on charges of punching and kicking a man in southern Indiana. Authorities say 19-year-old Hud Mellencamp was released on bond after being booked on felony battery charges. This came on the heels of eighteen-year-old Speck Mellencamp being bonded out of jail for entering a man’s Bloomington home and punching him in the face July 29. Both were uncooperative with arresting officers, but were eventually brought in. Don’t they know that when you fight authority, authority always wins? Neither victims lived in little pink houses or hurt so good. Ugh.

Two words: pathetic dork. How sickeningly debased our politics have become that this jabbering cartoon weasel could be taken seriously for a second as a candidate for mayor of New York.
— Camille Pagila on Anthony Weiner

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You're really not that funny...

You’re really not that funny…

Rodney Lee Conover is a writer / performer, living in Southern California
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That’s Jack the Whippet