I’m sure you at least have heard about Jim Carrey and his video sending up gun owners and mocking the late Charleton Heston. It was for a website called; “Funny or Die” and the results are in: Die.

But the big to-do of the week was The Supreme Court taking up the issue of gay marriage. Of course it was during oral arguments on Wednesday, with The Supremes testing the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. One highlight was when Justice Samuel Alito suggested a more “neutral” term for gays to use instead of “marriage.” Translation? Two dudes can’t play in the mixed-doubles tournament at Wimbledon, sorry – the rules are one man and one woman. But then Alito made the big mistake of trying to pick a name for gay people to use, and suggested that Congress could have excised the term “married” and replaced it with … “certified domestic units.” Uh-boy.

Now I may not know everything about gay people, but I know this: “Certified Domestic Units” ain’t gonna fly, sister. So if you happen to be gay, please email me with your suggestions on alternatives for the gay word or phrase for “marriage” and I’ll discreetly get it to Alito without Kagan being the wiser. You never know – perhaps the winning expression will be palatable – I’m sorry, ‘fabulous’ – enough for everybody involved and we can put this whole thing behind us… I mean, to rest. Straight people can have “marriage” and gays will have the same legal right to make the biggest mistake of their lives.
In Soccer News: USA defeated Mexico 0-0. Highlights unavailable.

Sean Penn’s son, who is named; “Hopper,” violently pushed a photographer on Tuesday and called him the “F-word” for gay and an “N-word” (for blacks, duh). The photographer indeed was African-American and while we’re unsure about the accuracy of Hopper’s other designation, we know that the psychotic doesn’t fall very far from the couch. I’m guessing here, but it must be that his father was really a big fan of Dennis Hopper and that’s why he burdened his son with that horrible moniker (even “Sue” would have been better). But on the positive side, at least Sean Penn didn’t idolize Dick Van Dyke, Joey Buttafuoco, or Fanny Ramsbottom.

** (for you budding comedy writers out there, “Fanny Ramsbottom” is your go-to name when you can’t think of anything clever).
ObamaCare continues to be implemented swimmingly, as Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius this week admitted that health insurance premiums are skyrocketing because of ObamaCare (even her name sounds like an ailment). I recently told my own doctor just before he suddenly retired at age 34 about a rash on my backside that really itches. He said it’s probably just a mild case of Sebelius and they have cream for that. Then he cursed the President’s name and hung up. Then this happened: I went to get my driver’s licensed renewed and the guy at the DMV made me strip and wait in line, wearing one of those hospital gowns that are open in the back. When I protested he said; “get used to it.”

Now this is embarrassing: While visiting Nogales, Arizona (a border town), John McCain, Chuck Schumer, Michael Bennet and Jeff Flake (where was he during the Sean Penn story?) watched helplessly as a woman on the Mexico side climbed an 18-ft fence and strolled into America. No truth to the rumor that she had planned the border crossing for weeks, waiting for a safe moment and secure in the knowledge that U.S. Senators were sure to do nothing. McCain & the Gang were there to observe and research the legislative effort on immigration reform. Senator Schumer had voter registration forms at the ready, while John McCain quickly put his hands over his eyes. Just kidding, the Border Patrol apprehended her. Mission accomplished.

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