The good news is that Barack Obama has opened up The White House once again for folks to come inside and visit. The bad news is the new cover charge is $500,000…

Madonna showed up dressed as a Boy Scout last Saturday night at the GLAAD Media Awards, and proceeded to mock the Scout’s for not permitting openly gay people to join. After announcing she should be in the Scouts because she could; “build a fire,” the Material Girl went backstage and rubbed two dancers together in order to prove it. Sporting a troop leader hat, blue shirt and shorts and merit badges, Madonna looked kind of stupid even to her fans. And I’m not saying Madonna is a little long in the tooth, but later a Boy Scout helped her cross the street…

Newly elected Senator from Massachusetts Elizabeth Warren is shopping a new book proposal about her personal war against the extremes of Wall Street. The working title is “Rigged,” and will focus on her battles against predatory lending and other Wall Street evils. Senator Warren says the book is; “deeply personal” and will be written on bark, using war paint. On Wednesday, her agent sent out smoke signals to prospective publishers announcing that bidding on rights to Warren’s new tome will begin with a minimum six-figure beads & blanket advance, and a cut of the wampum that follows over many moons.
Ann Coulter opened her speech at CPAC by noting; “The sequester has ruined everything – even CPAC had to cut back on speakers by 300 pounds…” Now that’s funny, Jack.

On Tuesday, both the President and Vice-president were out of the country, with Obama on a trip to Israel and Joe Biden traveling to Rome. This made John Boehner the highest-ranking U.S. government official on U.S. soil for a short time. And the tannest. Joe Biden was visiting Italy ahead of the new Pope’s inaugural mass and bragged that he had Pope Francis in his March Madness bracket. He didn’t really say that, but you believed it for a second, didn’t you? Seriously, how hard does Hillary laugh when someone mentions running against him in the 2016 primary? I understand she’s prepping for debating Joe Biden by watching re-runs of “Are You Smarter That a Fifth-grader?” DISCLAIMER: I recycled that joke from the Paul Ryan / Joe Biden 2012 debate. Doing my part for the environment.

The Department of Homeland Security has a program which gives, “trusted traveler” status to folks they consider to be low-risk airline passengers. The good news is that Saudi travelers will soon be able to join the program, and bypass most of the pain-in-the-butt the rest of us have been enduring since 15 Saudi hijackers along with four others pulled off the 9-11 attacks. What could possibly go wrong?

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is back with more plans to keep us healthy. He wants businesses in NYC to put all tobacco products out of sight, in order to limit young smokers from… um, thinking about cigarettes, I think. Everyone knows that when kids can’t see something, they rarely want it. Case in point, keeping marijuana out of sight has all but eradicated the smoking of pot on the part of most youngsters. In fact, why bother with teaching children morals and getting involved with their lives when a simple blindfold will suffice? After all, Bloomberg has been wearing one for years.
Jennifer Love Hewitt, who plays a prostitute on the Lifetime Channel series, “The Client List,” told Maxim Magazine that her chest is her favorite body part. After a collective national; “duh” from every man in America, Jennifer went on to explain that; “I like my boobs. They’ve always served me well. They’re good.” Not that anyone is paying any attention to what I’m writing now, Ms. Love-Hewitt wants her best assets to be protected and is considering getting her breasts insured for $5 million. But is that adjusted for… inflation? Muah-ha-ha…

Thanks, drive safely…
… send hate mail to: kowenhoven@gmail.com Subject line: “WHAT’S HER DEDUCTIBLE?”