Iowan Steve Chmelar, inventor of the “Foam Finger” – a staple at sporting events around the nation is upset with Miley Cyrus for using his creation in an inappropriate way on the MTV Awards, touching herself and her male dance partner with the giant foam digit in ways which decorum prevents me from describing here. Chmelar says the finger is for sports fans to show their loyalty and support for their teams in the stands, not for gratuitous and obscene self-promotion.. Not to be outdone, at the upcoming Grammy Awards Lady Ga Ga says she plans to utilize one of those air horns people blow off at hockey games in her dance number – and you can just kind of guess the rest, I’m moving on.

miley

Miley’s #1 fan

I will say this about Miley Cyrus though: If she thinks that behavior like that is going to get the entire national media and Internet writing and talking about her incessantly for days, she’s nuts..

According Geochemist Professor Steven Benner, life on Earth may have started on the planet Mars due to the discovery of an element believed to be crucial to the origin of life.

"Take me to your second in command.."

Do not worry earthlings, I come in pieces

It would only have been available on the surface of the Red Planet, according to the scientist. How the “seeds” of life probably arrived on Earth was in meteorites blasted off Mars by impacts or volcanic eruptions and the conclusion is that at least some of us are Martians – and that life started on Mars and came to Earth on a rock.” Which explains Joe Biden, anyway.

According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un’s ex-girlfriend was executed by firing squad nine days ago. Remember that song, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover?” .. Make that 51: “Slip out the back Jack; make a new plan Stan, get out the gun, Jong-un.” ?

Someone named Allison Benedikt has written in her blog which appears online in Slate, that parents who send their kids to private school are bad people. Normally, I couldn’t care less about “writers” who believe children belong to the State – but this one made it all the way into the zeitgeist, so kudos to Ms. Benedikt for that – it ain’t easy in a world full of guilty white liberals. Ms. Benedikt says she herself went to a public school and in fact getting drunk with trailer park kids was an important part of that process. It is only here that her manifesto begin to make sense in a weird; “you must have attended public school” way.

Ally (now that we’ve bonded) goes on to say “rich” folk who send  their kids to private schools are morally inferior, because it hurts public school kids and only if everyone put their kid into lousy public schools (she admits), eventually after a couple generations, because of private money that would now flow into public schools – they’d become as good or better than the private schools.

animal farm2

So: You’re evil for wanting your kid to get an education when you could sacrifice your children for the good of all generations to come… Yes – and if only all “rich” people would move to trailer parks, in forty or fifty years all the trailers would magically transform into mansions with pools! Everyone would collectively live in splendor and All Animals Would Be Equal.

See what I did there? I turned it right around on ole’ Ms. Benedikt – BLAM! Everybody gets a taste of the bitch juice!

And FINALLY: Texting while driving is pretty much against the law everywhere and now in New Jersey, a court has ruled that people who send messages to people driving can also be held liable in civil cases. The opinion said in part, that when a texter knows that the intended recipient is driving and is likely to read the text message while driving, they have a duty to refrain from sending the text because it could distract the driver and cause an accident. Using that logic, waving to someone in a car could be outlawed and Kim Kardashian could do some hard time by merely turning her back to the freeway.

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Rodney Lee Conover lives in Southern California and contemplates running for Congress
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