America is cascading toward nirvana, now that progressives of various stripes have taken over the leadership of both major political parties and most cultural institutions as well.

However, our progressive patriarchs often speak in a tongue we mere mortals do not easily comprehend. We plebeians are still bitterly clinging to our dictionaries while our educated elites have evolved to Newspeak. Interpretation is required lest we risk losing such an important message in translation.

Thankfully, I have obtained a secret Ovaltine decoder ring that allows me to decipher what progressives really mean when they don’t really mean what they say.

Progressivism: “The science is settled.”
Translation: Most of the scientists are progressives, and those that aren’t couldn’t get tenured at band camp. Therefore, there’s really no need continuing to argue when all contrary data is just going to be ignored – or gets the person attempting to introduce it fired from their job.

Progressivism: “You’re on the wrong side of history.”
Translation: This doesn’t refer to actual history like you’d read in encyclopedias or history books. This means the new history we are crafting at this very moment, which either completely disregards actual history or distorts it to the point your legacy as a people has been stolen from you.

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