Full disclosure, I used to be a Republican. They went one way, I went another. I am now a registered independent and consider myself a Constitutional Conservative. This means that I can rain on almost anybody’s parade and smile while doing it.

The Republicans before, during, and after CPAC are acting like a bunch of kindergartners at recess. No, make that worse than a bunch of little kids. Each and every one of them thinks that the earth, moon, and stars revolve around them. That their personality and intelligence are the keys to the political kingdom. Meanwhile those rude and bizarre Democrats play them like Yoyo Ma plays a cello.

At first I thought that they need a Chuck Norris type to wade in and kick some figurative butt. I decided that wouldn’t work. They’ve been getting their butts kicked for years by the Democrats and never seem to notice. Maybe some numbness has set in.

Then I thought a firm talking to by a father figure might do some good. Then I realized that every time a father figure comes along they nominate him as their presidential candidate. At that time, he immediately turns into Ward Cleaver. He wants everyone to just get along, and lectures the American public like Ward talking to the Beaver.

Then I considered someone from a religious background might be able to help. Maybe a good strong hellfire and brimstone sermon. But getting someone with a religious background was attempted. Mike Huckabee ran for President in 2008. He finished second in the delegate count. I think he would have been an excellent President. He is smart, affable, and has a command of the issues. I don’t know if the Republicans thought he was to close to his religion or they felt it wasn’t his turn. Waiting your turn seems to be important to Republicans.

There was always the chance that they could get a brilliant PhD from the halls of academe. One of those super-brainiacs that can solve any problem and write a book about it. Then I realized that the liberals have that market cornered. Besides which, the Republicans need someone with real world experience whose solutions don’t just work on paper. So, onward, ever onward.

Then it came to me. What the Republicans need is a life coach. But, and this is the tough part, they all have to agree to follow the lead of this coach. Right now the Republicans are doing all the heavy lifting for the Democrats. The Republicans have become a reality TV show about world’s largest dysfunctional family. Every one is attacking someone or some idea. The leadership has no spine and has completely lost control. The President whistles and there are those in leadership with a pavlovian reflex to sit up and beg. You cannot run a winning political party like that. You all might as well stay home and save your time and money.

So what can be done? First, stop talking. Especially about each other. Find a good conservative life coach. Someone that has respect. Love is not necessary. Respect is. This person has to know all the players and all the issues. It might even be someone that is not of the party but is close to politics. But it must be someone without presidential aspirations.

Once you have that person, give him or her a decent staff of professionals. Experienced advertising and press professionals. Their most immediate task would be to produce daily talking points. Everyone that is apt to come within ten feet of a microphone must get these points. Everyone, if they open their mouth in public, must stick to these points. No more. No less. In case you hadn’t noticed it works for the opposition.

Find good potential candidates and groom them. Invest money in their future. Does anybody out there believe that Obama wasn’t trained to speak by professionals. That delivery and timing isn’t instinctive and doesn’t come cheap. You can’t run for President like you would run for mayor. It’s a science and the Republicans need some good chemistry.